Enough of that silliness. Today was the big day of the bone marrow biopsy. KD was incredibly tense all morning which was why I scheduled it for 8:30; to get it over with. When the nurse offered something to relax him, he jumped at it. Let me tell you, within twenty seconds, that shot of Ativan had him giggling and relaxed as a teenager with weed. If you don't know what this stuff is, go look it up on Wikipedia under its real name Lorazepam. Suffice it to say, he was quite relaxed and happy until we got home and he crashed out for a few hours.
The bone marrow biopsy itself was easier than the first one last month. This nurse does them often and knows what she's doing. So it was much better than he was anticipating. They asked him to sign a release that if they drew more than they needed, they would be allowed to freeze the rest and use it for study later on. Of course he agreed because who knows what little bit would help others with this problem.
The bad news is that before they start chemo tomorrow, they're going to do another lumbar puncture (spinal tap). They have to keep monitoring the spinal fluid until a certain stage of treatment shows he's out of the danger zone. It is not a high risk, but more common than they like it to be that this type of cancer breaches the fluid and does serious damage to the old noggin.
We've also got a printed copy of the cycles of his treatment now, so we know generally what to expect in the upcoming months. There's one cycle where he's got to get a lumbar puncture every week along with mild "cranial radiation" while they stomp out any residual nasty old cells floating around. And of course it's pretty certain that he'll have a few more bone marrow biopsies to endure.
I don't know. I like to think that all of this is in his best interest because it's a method and treatment plan they've been doing for years. I like to think that the alternative could be worse. But then I'm also not the one being jabbed and stabbed and poked and fed pills. So maybe KD is taking it with his usual stoic attitude and pretending it doesn't bother the hell out of him. I do know that there are some things I can't watch or even be in the room for.
(and now for the soppy tangent .. feel free to not read further .. it's late and I am just rambling now)
This blog is called "happy.sad.mad" because those are the rudimentary emotions. The kind kindergartners can identify. Most household pets can identify them too. From there you mix them up in different quantities and add memories and experience and expectations and hormones and you get the potent cocktail that is the human existence.
But on day one, when we got the big "C" word, it was like being knocked down to the roots of emotions. You start with nothing. Shock. Like the h-bomb on your brain. And from there you start all over with the basics. Am I happy? Sad? Mad? Pick one that matches the feeling in the pit of your stomach. This isn't a test. There is no right answer.
I won't bullshit you here and say I haven't felt a little bit of all of them. And I won't attempt to speak for KD about emotional stuff. And again, it's not me with cancer being poked and jabbed and fed chemo. Hell yeah, if I could go back and change it, I would make the cancer never have happened. Who needs that stuff?
Last month I was given the opportunity to see my personal beliefs put to the test. And I think I got it right. Happiness is being where you know you should be. Doing what you know you should do. Being in this moment. Being here now. Stealing laughs. Being goofy. Celebrating little victories. Being surrounded love and friends and family. And being allowed to love all of them without holding back.
Ha ha, okay. Not to sound too much like a Robert Fulghum book (All I Ever Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten) or a Ram Dass book (Be Here Now) .... on the other hand, sometimes holy mantras and sacred texts are where you find them. Well, enough of that. Let's party! :-)
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